Christmas with the Smiths

Merry Christmas!  I hope you have a wonderful day celebrating the birth of our Lord and Savior.

We're leaving shortly for my aunt's house in NE Iowa for Christmas.  Because of this, my family opened gifts last night.  Here were a few of the highlights:

Dad on Christmas movies (again) at the breakfast table: “These Christmas movies are really hard on the tough guys.  The only guys who have a chance are the gay guys.”

Mom opens gift from Sara, which was Hawkeye sweat pants and a sweatshirt. 

Sara: “Mom, guess what I got you.”

Mom: “It’s clothes…. It’s lingerie.”

Sara: “Yeah, Mom I got you lingerie.  That would be weird.”

This leads to a conversation about the lingerie my mom got when my parents got married.  (WHO has these conversations while opening Christmas gifts?!?!?!?)

Mom opens Hawkeye sweat pants and a sweatshirt.

Sara: “Mom, go in the bathroom and try them on.”

Mom just starts undressing in the living room.

Dad: “I’m going to get you clothes more often.”

Dad’s turn to open a gift.

Dad: “I hope you didn’t get me boxers and expect me to try them on for you.”

I got Dad a Hawkeye steering wheel cover.  (Yes, Christmas is the only time of the year buy Hawkeye things.  It's a sacrifice I make to keep my family happy.)  He wasn't sure he really liked it, but had a lot of fun playing with it.  There was a small opening between the cardboard in the middle and the actual steering wheel cover.  He sat there for the longest time holding it up to his face so that we could just see his eyes through that hole.  I wish I had a picture...it would probably be much more fun that just hearing the story.  It was pretty funny til his eye starting swelling up.  Apparently you're not supposed to hold the steering wheel cover to your eye.

As I'm writing this, we're getting ready to leave.  Since it's 37 degrees out today with no snow on the ground (boo!), my dad just asked, "Can I wear shorts today?"  Really?  37 is NOT shorts weather, Father.

I will work on getting you a picture soon of my dad's other Christmas gift.  It's pretty unique!

Friday & Saturday Travel Adventures

I don't really know where to start with the adventures of the past 24 hours.  My mom, dad & I drove up to La Crosse last night to visit my grandma in the hospital.  Here are some of the highlights of the trip:

* It was dark while we were traveling, so it was fun to look at all the Christmas lights while driving.  I believe it was around Lynxville, WI (yep, welcome to Wisconson!), when we came around a curve and saw that a house that was up on a little hill had a lit-up Santa out front peeing down the hill.  Yep, the had rope lighting coming down to look like he was peeing.  Well, that became the theme joke of the trip.

* Dad wasn't happy with the hotel choice for the evening and kept complaining about it.  We didn't have a confirmed reservation (they were just holding a room under the name Smith and didn't take a credit card or anything), so we kept telling him he could go wherever.  But he kept driving to the Days Inn and complaining the whole way.  And it was snowing (very pretty!!), which made him complain more.  On the drive from the hospital to the hotel, he declared, "We're stayin' in a frickin' winter wonderland."  Soon followed by, "Let's go bar hoppin."  Then, "I think I'm going to become and alcoholic."  Followed by, "I think I'd like to have amnesia."  It was only a 15 minute drive, but completely filled with commentary.

* At the hotel, Dad was crabby because it was an older hotel and didn't have a flat screen TV.  The TV was a big, old box and the screen was really fuzzy.  So Mr. Crabbypants just went to bed.  My mom had SO much fun with the remote it was almost as if she had never seen a cable TV before.  However, nothing good was on.  She asks me, "What kind of shows does TLC have?"  I replied, "Dumb ones, you won't like them."  She turns to TLC, "What kind?"  "Dumb ones, like 'Say Yes to the Dress." (which was on)  The chick on there was upset that the dress she wanted was $10,000 but her mom said she wouldn't pay more then $6,000.  While the daughter is whining, my mom is sitting on the hotel bed cheering on the mom to hold her ground.  The next girl is on, a guy friend enters and my mom exclaims, "That's Hollywood gay!"  Really, Mom?  Once we get to the commercial break, my mom asks, "Is this really a whole show about them just picking out wedding dresses?"  "Yep, I told you they were dumb shows."

* Today on the way home, Dad was determined to find the Santa peeing again.  He was pretty obsesses with the peeing Santa.  He wants one really bad.  That's all he wants for Christmas...a Santa peeing off his roof.  If he gets a Santa peeing off his roof, then he'll allow people to come over and watch the Iowa State bowl game that's on before the Iowa bowl game.  I asked that if the Santa's wearing a Cyclone shirt and peeing on the Hawkeye flag if that'll confirm it.  His response that then he's going to shoot the Cyclones.  (Yep, there's definite hostility there.  Others want to watch the game and he doesn't want to because he hates Iowa State and will just spend the afternoon fighting with everyone else who will cheer for ISU when they're not playing Iowa.)

* Mom told us a story she heard on the radio, wondering if we had heard anything about it.  Apparently some guy was drowning and a cat saved him by pulling him to shore and giving him mouth-to-mouth.  Dad and I are in the front seat cracking up that she's even asking this if we've heard that it's true.  Supposedly it was on a radio show and some guy called in all upset that the guy had his cat who he had trained.  The guy was demanding he return the cat.  But my mom had already been sitting in the driveway for 5 minutes listening to this and had to come inside.

* Backstory: 6 years ago at Christmas, while driving to and from family Christmas, my dad starting rewriting Christmas songs using the word 'gay'.  The favorite?  Frosty the Gay Man.  Yep!  This year: Dad starts singing Christmas songs incorporating a peeing Santa.  "You'd better watch out, you'd better get an umbrealla, Santa Claus is peeing in town...."  Mom and I were dying.  Again, obsessed with the peeing Santa.

* Final story: we stopped for dinner at a little bar/restaurant in Alburnett that my parents really like.  You know you're in small town Iowa for dinner when:
     - There's a 5 year old girl sitting on the bar coloring (yes, I know she's 5 because someone asked her how old she was)
     - There's a customer appreciation dinner...that's FREE for regular customers.  We were the only people in there tonight getting menu and paying for our food.
     - The dinner buffet contains a few crock pots with food in them and cupcakes with a can of Redi Whip beside them to top them yourself.

I hope you enjoyed this little story of our trip.  I'm sure I've forgotten several of our moments.  Oh yes, here's one more... You know you're in Wisconsin when you go into a store that is a sporting store (Dad was looking at boat motors to buy), a liquor store (with cheaper alcohol than anywhere else...and we're talking a LARGE selection) and a cheese store all in one.  Here's a picture of what you see upon entering:

Yes, that is a selection of guns to buy, hanging right over the booze.  The best part of the time in the store?  There was a family with 2 little boys that walked in and got REALLY excited.  "Which one could I shoot?  I'm gonna go shoot those deer."  The parents were fairly embarrassed and said, quite loudly, "We don't get out much.  We live in the city.  This is new to them."

Convos in the Smith House

So apparently I'm not good at the long-term keeping up with projects.  Tonight my father spent a while downloading new songs from iTunes while my mom kept trying to give hints about how it's better to buy gift cards for iTunes because of the Christmas deals...mainly trying to not give away the fact that she's already bought him iTunes gift cards for Christmas.  Yeah, he never caught on.  So I just came upstairs to hear "Pretty Woman" blasting from their bedroom.  Apparently he wanted the new songs to play on the stereo to fall asleep to.

In other news, here are some of the conversations that happened yesterday while watching Christmas movies:

Dad: “These movies have to be hard on the guys.  The girls never go for a tough guy.  You never see them want the factory worker.”

Mom: “Well, she’s going for the unemployed actor.”

Dad: “That’s not tough.  That’s more of the gay, liberal craftsy guy.”

Dad: “Katie, are you going to be a minister?  Pastor Katie.”

Me: “No.”

Dad: “Are you going to be a nun?  Sister Theresa.”

Me: "Yep, you got it, my lifelong dream."

Dad: “Katie, Mom’s getting hot over here.”

Me: “Open the door.”

Dad: “Good idea Pastor Katie.”

While watching Hallmark (I think) movie where the girl doesn't want to face her mom again for the holidays being single.  So she hires a man to pretend to be her fiancee.  I'm sitting on the couch watching the movie, Dad's sitting at the computer playing solitaire and making plenty of entertaining comments.  Then...

"Katie, you should do that for Christmas next year.  Bring home a fake fiancee."

Okay, Dad.  Really?  How in the world am I supposed to respond to that one.  Sure, I'll get right on that.  So if anyone has any ideas for how to find a fake fiancee for Thanksgiving or Christmas next year, let me know.  I'm not really sure what to start with that one.

Really???

Tonight I was looking for something to eat.  In an effort to see if there was anything in the freezer, I had to start taking things out so I decided I might as well clean out my mom's freezer.  Of all the interesting things I could find, I found tissue paper in the freezer.  Really?  WHO has tissue paper in their freezer?????

In other news, I wasn't feeling very good tonight, so once my dad got home, he started flipping through the channels for about 10 minutes.  Then he started playing a word game on the Tivo, so I was just sitting there playing a game on my computer.  After 2 of his games, this is the conversation:
Dad: "Well, I gotta go to bed.  I gotta get up and go make some money for your mama.  That's pretty important, huh?  You'll have to remember that when you find a guy."
Me: "Okay."
Dad: "Will you make sure to remember that?  If you ever meet a guy, make sure you him, 'Are you gonna bring home the money for mama?'  Will you do that?"
Me: "Sure."  (not spoken very confidently)
Dad: "Well, I'm glad you got to spend this quality time with me." And walks off to go to bed.

Yep, there's an evening in the Smith household for you.

The Bedroom Tree

Only one of the three trees is done.  The big one will take all 3 of us to get the lights and beads on.  Hopefully there will be pictures of that by this weekend.  But for now, here are a couple pictures of the tropical tree in my parents' bedroom.  For the record, my mom already had all of this in the basement.  The only things purchased were the tree, tree stand, lights, tree skirt (totally my dad's doing on the tree skirt).

We're In the Money!

Okay, this should be the last post of the day.  Sorry for giving you so much to read at once.  Maybe I'm the only one who finds them even remotely entertaining.  Anyhow, as I mentioned in my last post, I met up with my mom and aunt half way between my parents' house and grandma's house to pick up my mom to bring her home (she had been caring for my grandma after her Thanksgiving night fall).  So after spending 1.5 hours at Menards (really, ridiculous...we purchased 2 items!), we dropped off 2 bags of clothes at Goodwill and headed to the casino.  After a quick lunch, it was off to slots floor for some great action!  Unfortunately, the rearranged and I could only find 2 of my favorite machine.  So I went by my mom and played the John Wayne slot machine that my grandma had apparently won big at.  My mom gave me $10 to start with.  I put it in.  After just a few rounds, I hit a bonus and got another bonus and was up to $44.  Pretty good.  I played a bit more, stopped at $40 and went to find my favorite machine (Super Jackpot Party).  The 2 women at the ones we could originally find didn't look like they were going to be moving anytime soon, but I knew there was a 3rd machine somewhere.  I found it, played for a bit, stayed pretty close to $40.  I eventually got up to about $43 but stopped when I got back down to $40.  So all in all, I came out $40 ahead from the casino today.  That was a successful 1/2 hour!!  (I'm still not sure if I can count that anywhere on my MPD weekly report.....)

And my mom came out ahead.  She was down and had to play $1.50 on her favorite machine on the way out.  She hit some big bonuses and won $38.50 after 2 plays on the machine!  Between her initial money, the $10 she gave me and lunch, she only left the casino with $1 less then she walked in with.  Not bad.

Save Big Money..When You Shop Menards

Going to Menards with my father is like taking a 3 year old to a toy store.  Well, Lowes gets the same effect as well.  So Saturday night we went to Menards because we needed a new tree stand since we bought a 3rd tree this year.  My dad was SO excited about getting to have a tree in their bedroom.  This is fairly surprising, but well, nothing should surprise anyone around here.  So we arrive at Menards and go straight to the Christmas section.  We get the tree stand.  Then we need lights.  He sees lights on a pre-lit tree that he likes (they have purple in them) and gets excited.  We head towards the lights.  He gets sidetracked by the display of remotes.  These aren't just any remotes.  They are remotes for appliances...you plug things into the special plugs, then control them by the remote.  He was SO excited to get these for my mom (yet, she can't figure out what in the world she's going to use them for...but he's so excited and adamant they're so great, she's gotta find a way to use them).  We finally make it to the lights and can't find exactly what we're looking for.  Menards has power strips so you can plug in the lights.  Guess how many boxes of lights we plugged in in our desperate attempt to find those lights with the bright purple.  (Well, guess all you want because I didn't count...but pretty much EVERY box of multi-colored lights at Menards.)  Finally we settled on something.

Then it was time to look for decorations for the tree.  This started with trying to find a tree skirt.  He couldn't find one that he really liked, but there was a large Santa gift bag that he thought was just SO cool.  So that's what we got for the tree skirt.  When I mentioned that we could just get fabric, that was met with a definite, "No, that's not any good."  (Apparently he doesn't know that that's what Mom has under the other 2 trees.)  Then when I said that we don't have to buy one at Menards, that we could stop at Target or WalMart since they would have a bigger selection, that was met with a, "No, that would be we have to go shopping."  I became convinced that he wants a tree fully furnished from the "Man's Store."

In other Menards-related news, I met my mom and aunt at Menards today (Monday).  My aunt drove my mom half way and I met up with them to bring my mom home.  My aunt and uncle have probably spent nearly a million dollars at Menards in the past few years for things on the farm and in building their new house.  Seriously, at one location, they eventually knew the manager, who gave them 10% off their purchases because they were there so often.  Every town they go to, they must go to Menards.  So when we saw they have Menards coffee mugs on sale for free after rebate, the plan was to do a Menards Mug of the Month Club for them for Christmas...purchase 12 mugs and wrap them for each month.  Unfortunately, today at Menards, my aunt was really excited to get the mugs, so we told her about the idea.  She about died laughing in the store.  Really, it had about the same effect as actually doing it.  However, we found a Menards bear that dances & plays the Menards theme song.  That's going under the tree for Christmas.  But it'll be a secret who got it for them :)

Christmas Trees

Yes, we had 3 Christmas trees on top of the SUV coming home from my grandma's house.  An 11', 8' and 4.5' tree.  We looked ridiculous.  We know.

The adventure came we it was time to put them up.  The small one was easy.  We did that Saturday night after we got home (after an eventful trip to Menards...more to come on that subject soon).  Sunday my dad brought in the 8' tree and put it up in the family room.  Apparently the "Let me know when you're bringing it in and I'll help" was ignored.  He did it all himself.  Punk.  I had to run to the store for milk in the middle of making lunch and left saying, "DON'T take the big tree in by yourself.  I'll be home in 10 minutes and will help you carry it in."  I got home, the tree was already in the living room.  Punk.  But the adventures were about to begin.  We got the tree up. Big. Heavy.  But it was up.  I went into the kitchen to finish up lunch and heard a big thud, followed by, "The tree just fell on me!"  Well, 2 inches to the left and it would have wiped up my mom's whole Precious Moments collection.  Probably better my dad broke the fall.  So we get it up again (which took more work this time) and tried spinning it around to get the best angle.  It fell again, but Dad caught it this time.  In the midst of this, I can't even begin to tell you how many times I had to crawl under the tree and lift the lever on the tree stand, have my dad try to straighten it, lock it back into place, get out, see if it's straight, crawl back under the tree and repeat.  So it looks good.  Dad gets the big ladder to tie to tree to the wall so it can't fall.  He starts tying.  I'm watching.  Suddenly, it's like slow motion seeing the tree start to go again.  All I could do was stand there and yell, "It's going to fall!  It's going to fall!  It's falling!"  Not much help, I know.  It took out my mom's lamp, but we got it back together.  But the 11 foot tree is once again lying completely on the floor.

Finally, we get it up, determine isn't not going to be moved any more and just needs to get tied down.  So I stick my arms in there to hold the tree up/into place so that it can't fall over while my dad is tying it.  (Yes, it's still in the tree stand, but apparently it's just too heavy to stand up straight.)  I couldn't help buy tell my dad that if anything comes running out of the tree at me, I'm out of there.  Thankfully, nothing did.  If there was anything living in that tree, it would have had to have come out during one of the three previous falls.

Once the trees are decorated, I will take pictures and post them on here.

Oh, and my mother was not home for any of this.  My grandma fell getting into the car on Thanksgiving night, so we left my mom with her for a couple extra days.  She's doing okay.  It's hard for her to walk, but they went to the ER last night and they said she'll be fine, but it'll take a good 6 weeks to heal.  Bummer.

Thanksgiving Travels

I spent 2.5 days at my grandma's house without internet access.  Now I need to catch you up on the fabulous stories.

We left Cedar Rapids on Thanksgiving morning.  My mom said we were going to leave at 9am.  Lesson learned over the years: don't get up until the time she says we're leaving; otherwise you'll just get frustrated that you could have gotten more sleep!  So, being the brilliant daughter that I am, I didn't get up until 8:30, got ready, finished packing, sealed all of my end of the year ask envelopes, took them to the post office, helped pack the food we were taking AND was the first person ready to go!  At 11am my dad and I were finishing up loading the car to leave.  Then it dawned on me: It's 9am on the west coast.  Apparently I need to start clarifying what time zone she's talking about when it comes to departure times.  Mark that down as a new lesson learned.

Another car adventure: We were discussing Christmas 2005 when my mother, while listen to Blue Christmas on the radio, happened to mention that, "I don't like this song.  I wish it was something happier like Pink Christmas."  This started my dad off singing, "Have a pink, gay Christmas", which was only the beginning of 5 hours (THAT DAY, in the car) of rewriting EVERY Christmas song about being gay.  The most memorable: "Frosty the Gay Man."  Yep, welcome to family Christmas!  Did he stop for the last 2.5 hours after his mother-in-law got in the car?  Nope!  Our hope of him stopping was quickly squelched.  Well, it probably didn't help that we were laughing hysterically.  However, this year, we learned that he has absolutely NO recollection of that.  He doesn't remember any of those songs or ever singing them.  He was asking what lyrics he used.  Really?  It clearly stands out in everyone else's mind.  Maybe this is so normal for him that he doesn't realize it?

In other Thanksgiving news, we had a great meal at my aunt's house.  Nothing really entertaining that I can think of right now.  However, it was decided that we are for sure doing a decades theme for Christmas this year.  Oh, and on that topic, my aunt announced that, "I think I have one of those banana clips in my top drawer."  And within 1 minute she was back, banana clip in hand.  REALLY?  WHO has a BANANA CLIP in their top drawer just in case they need it some day???  Seriously.  Apparently there was an e-mail thread about the theme and someone said, "Peggy will have fun going into Mom's closet every hour to get a new outfit."  However, then my aunt did admit that she hasn't gotten rid of those things yet.  Meaning she still has original clothes from the 70s-90s.  Now I just need some leg warmers, a bright scrunchie and a ginormous t-shirt and I'll be good to go.  I already have leggings and crimper.  Yes, this is how my family celebrates Christmas :)

Christmas Jell-o Shots

My mom bought a fun pancake pan for my cousins' families.  It's a pretty normal sized pan with four smaller circles with a Christmas-y design in each one.  So you make pancakes and they come out with a Christmas design.  (See here: http://katiesvensen.ecrater.com/p/12577191/avon-holiday-mini-pancake-pan)  She had them at work today (maybe the Avon lady is a co-worker, who knows) and one of her co-workers suggested that they'd make great Christmas Jell-o shots.  So my mom came home all excited about how fun it would be.  You could do one color in the 4 pancake spots and then fill the rest of pan with something else and have one giant Jell-o shot.  Apparently, these are the kinds of conversations they have at work.

Then she got really excited and was telling me about these creative shot glasses you can make.  One example is one where you hollow out a strawberry, dip it in chocolate, let it harden, then put in some chocolate liqueur and something else.  Really, extreme excitement.

My mom often says she wonders what I tell my friends about her.  Well, it's only the stories that happen, trust me, there is no way I could make this stuff up.  Even if I tried really hard.

It's 5 O'Clock HERE!

So today my mom has been decorating for Christmas.  At 1:14PM she walked into the kitchen and said, "Someone gave me this little bottle of Captain Morgan and I have this little bottle of Coke.  For some reason I've just been craving a rum & Coke."  (I only know the exact time because I thought it was funny and texted my sister.)  At least 3 more times throughout the day she announced that a rum & Coke sounded so good.  However, she never had one because, in her words, "I just has so much to get done today that I doesn't have time for alcohol to make me tired and slow me down."

In other news, I had a delightful lunch from Hy-Vee Chinese.  Today's menu included spicy orange chicken and a crab rangoon.  Delicious!  Though it was quite spicy and took a good half hour before my mouth was back to normal.

It's also warming up in Iowa and supposed to be up to 60 by Thanksgiving.  My dad thinks that he should be out on the boat on Thursday if it's going to be 60.  Maybe I'll spend some time in the hammock swing before we head north for Thanksgiving.

Mom's Moments 11-21-11

As I'm enjoying the holidays at my parents house (while working on MPD, of course), I thought I would keep you entertained my some of adventures with my parents.  This morning my mom was telling me that she's gotten to the point of trying really hard to keep things picked up and clean around the house.  Apparently after 56 years, some things can change!  She was telling me how she's turned into a "neat nick."  She was absolutely astonished that I had never heard the term "neat nick" before.  Really?  This clearly shows that we were not raised by a "neat nick."